Half Empty Teacup
by Komillia
Summary: Filia and Xellos have an honest conversation over tea. Sequel to Spilt Tea.


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Half Empty Teacup   
by Komillia (komillia@hotmail.com) 

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A/N: This is a sequel to my other story "Spilt Tea". You don't actually need to read it to read this one, but by reading that one first you might have a better idea of what's going on. Reviews are very much apperciated. 

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She knew he was coming to tell her even before he entered the kitchen. Her knowledge of it stretched back all the way to the moment he had appeared in the kitchen last night, when she only noticed his arrival because he spoke to her. The same blissful moment she had realized that he was there a part of her had also realized that he would have to leave sooner or later. That moment came sooner rather than later and it did not matter how much she hated it, he would still leave. 

Now, when he stood in the doorway of the kitchen and watched her as she prepared the ingredients for lunch, he was probably trying to decide on whether to tell her or just leave without notice. Filia stopped chopping the vegetables and put down the knife. Her face, already lowered, seemed to quickly change from frustration to sad acceptance. 

"You are leaving, aren't you?" she asked quietly, but just about loud enough for Xellos to hear her. 

"Yes." 

His answer was brief and neutral. The way he said it did lead Filia to think that he was not sad to leave, nor was he happy to. She bitterly thought that it was just as usual and that she should have gotten used to it by now. 

"Now?" 

"Soon, but not yet." 

The moment Filia heard his answer she pushed the cutting board away from her and instead grabbed a nearby kettle and filled it with water. In the corner of her eye she could see the puzzled look on his face. Whatever he had expected from her, it was not to stay quiet and put a kettle on the stove. It took a few hesitant seconds, but after that he walked further into the kitchen. She was facing the stove and standing with her back against him. Carefully, Xellos slipped his arms around her waist and drew her closer to him. 

"Filia... what are you doing?" he asked almost softly. 

"I'm making tea," Filia answered briefly. "Sit down." 

Her voice had suddenly gained a commanding tone and Xellos wondered for how long it had been gone. Suddenly the days of him carelessly stopping by her house for the sake for annoying and aggravating her seemed long gone, even to someone who had lived as long as he had. What a temper she had had back then, never passing up a chance to strike him with her mace or insult him. As Xellos silently let go of Filia and sat down by the kitchen table, he spotted the old mace standing in the corner. It was almost hidden by the sack of potatoes that had been placed next to it and had probably not been picked up and used in a long time. The mace's dusty and forgotten state was truly a proof of how much she had changed. How much they had changed. 

Not a single word was exchanged between them as Filia stood and prepared the tea while Xellos silently watched and reflected on older and livlier times. Once she was done, she joined him at the table carrying a tray with tea and cookies. Then she quietly sat down next to him, picking up the teapot and pouring the tea so carefully that not a single drop was spilt. Surprisingly, she suddenly looked at him as she picked up one of the cups and offered it to him. Xellos reached for the cup, meeting her gaze at the same time. She did not falter and it was as if she was doing the silly little staring competition to prove her own strength to both him and herself. But when his fingers brushed against hers, she trembled and would have dropped the teacup if he had not been there to accept it. 

Filia broke their eye contact and picked up her own teacup. The tea was still too hot to drink, yet she sipped it and showed no signs of that the tea had left a burning and stinging sensation in her lips. Xellos did the same, but Filia doubted that the tea felt as hot against his lips as it did against hers. 

"The tea is delicious," Xellos complimented and set down the cup on the table. 

"Thank you," Filia responded politely. 

Perhaps too politely for a wife to answer her husband. 

Her voice did not hold the commanding or strong tone anymore. For a moment Xellos had thought that it was back but it had returned for a moment only to fade away. Now it was like the one he had gotten used to. Soft, quiet and often with a strong hint of sadness to it. 

They could both hear the faint sound of Val's crowing coming from the living room. Filia had placed his cradle there so that she could hear him and if anything was wrong rush to comfort him. Besides Val, there was the sound of the clock again. Ticking in the same way it always did, reminding both Filia and Xellos how time was slowly passing them by while they sat silently in each other's company. 

Then finally, Filia looked at Xellos again and spoke. 

"I can't live like this." 

Xellos met her gaze again but he did not say anything. Instead, he sipped at the tea again and patiently waited for her to go on. Filia, however, wished that he would say something. Ask her what she meant, protest or anything else. She had grown weary of his silence, weary of being so uncertain about his intentions despite all the time they had spent together. 

"Constantly waiting for you to come back," she went on when Xellos showed no sign of responding. "Then when you come back you stay here for a while and then you go off and leave me again. There is always something calling you and keeping you away..." 

"You knew that it would be like this," Xellos suddenly cut off. "I told you I couldn't give you any promises. If I leave, I leave. If I stay, I might leave sooner or later." 

"It is always sooner..." Filia murmured, lowering her face and breaking eye contact with Xellos. She closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. "Don't you think I know why you doing this? Why you were with me in the first place? Don't you think I know how you feed on the sadness and anger I feel towards you? I know that you keep leaving and coming back because each time you do, it only makes me feel angrier and sadder." 

Tears had formed in her eyes as she spoke, clouding her vision. Pushing herself up from the chair, she walked away to another corner of the kitchen, pulling out a paper napkin from a box at the same time and using it to dry the tears. She stood there for a while, her back against Xellos and looking out the window. Her hair shone like pure gold in the sunlight. Xellos sat back in his chair, watching her with an emotionless expression. Filia dared not to turn around and face it. 

Had he been any man, any other normal man, he would have felt guilt for what he did to her. Had Xellos been any other man he would have realized how much he was destroying her. It was like he was slowly tearing her apart, piece by piece. Every time he would leave she would cry and cry while he would sadistically feed on the sadness and anger she felt. Then after a reasonable amount of time and when his lord allowed him to he would return to generate more. Filia felt sick every time she thought of it and even now there was a part of her that wanted to lie down and lock the outside world out until she was feeling better. But what sickened her most was not Xellos and the way he used her. 

It was that she was letting herself be used by him. 

"I know you don't love me," Filia said and although she had acknowledged the fact long ago, her heart still felt pain at the thought of it. Her voice shook as she spoke. "And I know you never will, no matter how much I love and need you. You are a Mazoku, I was a fool for hoping." 

"Using the whole Mazoku versus Ryuzoku argument again?" Xellos said casually, almost cheerfully. "It's getting a little old, Filia." 

She ignored his comment and how much the cheerfulness in his voice hurt her. If he chose not to take this seriously, fine. She could not expect anything else from a Mazoku. Slowing walking back to Xellos, her right hand went to her left one and pulled the golden ring off her finger. Holding the ring in her hand for a few moments, staring at it and reflecting on what it meant to her, she found it difficult to stop herself from crying again. Then finally she turned to Xellos and held out the ring to him. 

"Take it back," she demanded but it was more like a plea. "Let me go." 

And he did nothing but stare at it. For a long time, they stood completely still. Xellos staring and Filia waiting for him to take it. They stood there so long that Gravos and Jirras came for their daily free lunch at Filia's house. But they both left without a word before they had come through the door, noticing the tense atmosphere in the house and not wanting to disturb Xellos and Filia. The tea became cold as they stood there. 

"Why do you need me?" Xellos questioned a while after Jirras and Gravos had left. He had taken his eyes off the ring and was looking up at Filia. 

"I just do," Filia answered with a breaking voice and became uncertain about this upon having to tell him. "When you're here everything is just... Just being with you makes me feel so much better. But it hurts when you are gone and... And I don't want..." 

She stopped in the middle of the sentence. At this point she was already crying and the tears were streaming freely down her face for him to see. Using her free hand, Filia roughly wiped away the tears on her face but she could not stop them from coming. 

"Please, just take it and go," Filia pleaded, holding out the ring closer to Xellos. "I can't live like this anymore. I have Val to raise and... there are other people in this world you can use..." 

Xellos rose from the chair and stood up right in front of her. Filia bit her bottom lip and slowly raised her hand to offer him the ring. Then she turned her face away from him, not wanting to look into those blank, emotionless eyes while she was so emotional herself. It was just another of those many and big differences between them, another difference that she could not overcome. That was the way it was. It had been foolish for her to hope for them to overcome differences. But he had known how things were from the start and that they were not going to change. Now she knew too and she knew how she could not go on needing him like this. 

Her moment of thinking was cut short when she suddenly felt herself being pulled forwards. Gasping, she turned her eyes back to Xellos just as her body was drawn towards his in an almost possessive embrace. His head was leaning over her shoulder, one hand on the upper part of her back and the other on the lower one. Filia sighed as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. She tried hard to convince herself to push him away, but deep inside she knew that she neither wanted to nor could do it. 

"You say that you need me." 

The way Xellos' spoke startled her and sent chills down her spine. She had heard him speak in a cheerful and carefree way often and in a neutral way too many times. But the way he sounded now... serious.. deep. She could feel his hold on her tighten as she answered him. 

"I do... but I..." 

"Filia... I need you too." 

Filia's eyes widened when she heard those words. Although her heart beat faster in naive joy her mind screamed at her. All her thoughts screamed how what he had just said was a lie and that he had resorted to that to keep fooling her and to keep her waiting for him. 

"You lie..." she whispered and tried to push him away in vain. "You're lying to me... You don't... can't love..." 

"I'm not," Xellos cut off. "I do need you. You just don't understand how... in what way. Perhaps you never will. But you need me for your happiness and you say that I can't love or need you. I can... but I can't need you for the same reason you need me. Do you really think it would be that easy for you to just go out and find someone else to need? Because that is what you're asking me to do." 

He needed her? Those words sounded so unlikely that Filia could hardly believe that she had just heard them. What she had heard sounded more like it was coming from a weird dream. But what he had said was true. Despite all that had happened between them and her accusation only a few seconds ago he had never lied to her. All the things he said slowly started to make sense in her mind and heart. And he was right. She would never understand the way he needed and loved, just as he could never need and love for the same reasons she did. But he needed her... in his own way. 

His hold on her loosened a little, just enough for them to look into each other's faces. Filia stared at him and raised her left hand to touch his face. The more she looked at him, the more he seemed to have changed. It was not something that she could put her finger on. Perhaps it was his explanation and her sudden realization of what was truly going on inside him that changed the way she looked at him. The ring was still in her left hand, warm and heavy in her closed palm. 

But suddenly, without a sign or warning, Xellos faded away from her sight and arms upon hearing the call of his lord. 

Filia almost fell forwards but she grabbed the edge of the table just in time to keep her balance. She sighed and drew a deep breath. Running her hand through her hair, she sat down again at the chair where Xellos had sat before. He was gone... again. She opened her palm and looked at the ring. He had not taken it and in her heart she knew that he had never intended to. 

The house returned to the way it was without his presence. Quiet except for the ticking of the clock. By now it was starting to irritate her greatly and she seriously considered taking every clock in the house down and locking them up somewhere. But some things remained and those were the things that had marked his presence in the house. 

A half empty teacup... 

...and ring hoping to be worn again. 


End file.
